If you hadn't already guessed from the drunken male whooping and loud, sadistic cheering, The Raid is out in UK cinemas tomorrow. And by heck, is it good, if only for learning all the really cool ways to kill people - Welsh director Gareth Evans knows loads.

The endless spree of gleeful gore is so spectacular that the first question I asked when I walked out of the blood-splattered cinema was: how many people died in The Raid: Redemption? And, more importantly, HOW did they die?

And so, when I saw the film for a second time at the Picturehouse Podcast's special birthday screening, I went prepared. I took a pen and paper and (in between crying out in pleasure) noted down every single kill in The Raid and attempted to categorise them by method of dispatch. Afterwards, I took my incomprehensible pile of scribbles and added The Raid's body count up - then, inspired by the glorious carnage, spent the rest of the evening trying to think of a really cool way to kill someone using a piece of A4 paper.

The result was this handy infographic. Read on to see The Raid: Redemption - an unofficial body count, with an emphasis on the unofficial. Because it's hard to count when you're distracted by awesome, non-stop violence.

(Warning: Spoilers - well, for those who don't want to know how to kill a man with a fridge.)

Day 3

Guess where I am? That's right! Still not in Cannes.

She Monkeys is out in UK cinemas today - and it's a rather good little Swedish flick that centres on control, sex, horses and teenage girls.

To get you in the mood for some Swedish equine romance, here's the new trailer that plays up Lisa Aschan's description of the film as a "modern Western". But don't be fooled by the twangy guitar and guns - this is a seriously challenging movie that aims straight at sexual taboos and shoots from the hip.

If you like what you see, head this way to read our She Monkeys review.

The Skyfall poster has now been revealed. And we can all clearly see that the film will follow Daniel Craig's James Bond as he is shrunk down to microscopic size and fired out of the barrel of a gun, probably aimed at Bérénice Marlohe's breasts - his sexiest and most perilous mission yet.

Anyway, enough of that. Here it is. Marvel at its simple beauty.

Day 2

Still not in Cannes. Which means I'm 842 miles (or 14 hours and 15 minutes by car - thanks, Google) away from this...

Yes, Prometheus has another viral video. And yes, it's rather interesting.

Titled "Quiet Eye", it teases us with details of the Yutani corp, as well as showing scientist Elizabeth Shaw's determination to join forces with Weyland to discover life, the universe and whatnot.

The freaky part? The software that's constantly analysing her face. No, I don't know either. Still, it's nice to see Noomi Rapace given something more interesting to do than Token Gypsy Woman in Sherlock Holmes 2. Loving the multi-national accent too. 

For more Prometheus stuff, head this way - or just watch that Michael Fassbender David video again. 

It's that time of year again. The time when folks in the UK who can't afford to go to France for two weeks suffer Cannes Envy.

Not me. I'm happy here being stuck in England in an East London office with sporadic sunshine, a croissant and a mug with cats on it. (Seriously, it's an awesome mug.)

But every now and then, bits of Cannes gossip gets across the Channel that even us mugged-up croissant chompers need to hear about. So here, to provide you with unrivalled, in-depth coverage of the film industry's biggest festival from someone who isn't even in the same country, is my 2012 Cannes Diary.

Day 1

Not in Cannes.

Out of all the new film posters to hit the internet this week, only one dares to stand up with a scotch in its hand, surrounded by many leather bound books, and say: "I'm Ron Burgundy?"

Hell. Yes. Now to travel to the US, where the trailer is playing in front of The Dictator.

Director: Lisa Aschan
Cast: Mathilda Paradeiser, Linda Molin, Isabella Lindquist
Certificate: 15
Trailer

Lisa Aschan’s feature debut describes itself as a Western. It certainly has horses in it. And twangy guitars. At one point, two horses even have sex. But in this Swedish standoff with social taboos, She Monkeys doesn’t shoot straighter than that. Aschan’s coming-of-age drama follows the intimate interaction between two awakening girls, but mounting horses is as graphic as it gets – a decision that makes the movie as fascinating as it is frustrating.

When did Matthew McConaughey get good (again)? Was is Tropic Thunder? The Lincoln Lawyer? Or the point at which he started wearing really cool hats and killing people?

My money's on the hat. Head this way for the Killer Joe UK trailer. William Friedkin's still got it, yo.

Would you vote for Will Ferrell? He's been North Carolina's Congressman for four terms in a row. He has hair that's strong enough to lift a car. And, The Campaign's UK trailer reveals, he also punches babies.

Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell go to the ballot box on Friday 28th September. And if you ignore Jason Sudeikis, it could be quite entertaining. Although I'd much rather vote for Ron Burgundy. Where's that Anchorman 2 trailer already?

Director: Gareth Evans
Cast: Iko Uwais
Certificate: 18

You may think you know all the ways to kill a man. Even the really cool ones. You don’t. It turns out there are loads. And The Raid knows all of them. Some involve filing cabinets.

Of course, you may not want to know how to kill a man with an office-based storage facility. You may want to watch a quiet, character-driven piece about policeman or drug dealers. This is not that film. Yes, there are characters. And they are policemen and drug dealers. But their only narrative function is to die. And to do it as messily as possible.