I've always said it: Javier Bardem was one of my only two chances at a happy life with a sexy Spaniard. And now he's gone and got married to Penelope Cruz - the second of my only two chances at a happy life with a sexy Spaniard. It's enough to make you want to set yourself on fire.

The Oscar-winning couple have been romantically entangled for a while now, appearing together in Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona back in 2008. Lucky them. They tied the knot at a private ceremony in the Bahamas this month, Cruz's agent revealed to the press. Her dress was designed by John Galliano. Apparently. Not that anyone will ever see that.

Javier Bardem, 41, second only to Cruz in the Sexy Spanish Movie Folks list, won Best Supporting Actor for No Country for Old Men, while Penelope, 36, picked up her Best Supporting Actress gong for Allen's romantic comedy. The pair first performed together in Bias Luna's Jamon Jamon, which was Cruz's debut acting turn. They've been out-sexing each other ever since.

And so the couple begin their wedded lives together, stealing the happiness that once could have been mine. They'll probably have sexy movie star babies too. And those will be my third and final chance at a happy life with a sexy Spaniard. **

** (Note to lawyers: I won't actually kidnap their unborn child. As long as they divorce within the year.)