Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, John Turturro
Certificate: 12A

A figure staggers blindly down a dark alley. He falls into the metal bins, reeking of booze. His carved features contort as he continues to sing: "Why does Michael Bay keep on making movies?" Then his strings jerk upwards, and he vomits all over the place. This is a scene with more emotion than any of this overblown sequel. Yes, Transformers 2 is less engaging than a wooden puppet puking in a puddle.

Director: Todd Phillips
Cast: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Justin Bartha, Heather Graham
Certificate: 15

Stag party. Vegas. Wasted. Wake up. Memory loss. Groom gone missing. Hilarity ensues. Really? A group of guys get wasted and can't remember stuff? We've all been there, right? And it's hilariously entertaining. Right? Well, actually, no, we haven't. But the scary part? It really is very, very funny.

Director: Ken Loach
Cast: Steve Evets, Eric Cantona, John Henshaw
Certificate: 15
Trailer/Clips

It's not easy being a postman. Especially if you're a postman shacked up with two stepsons. Two stepsons who hate you and leave cement mixers in your garden. Not to mention still being in love with the wife you left years back, or being absolutely obsessed with a Man U footballer. It's hardly surprising, though; you see, unlike Eric the postie (Evets), his hero is no man. He is Cantona.

Director: Joel Hopkins
Cast: Dustin Hoffman, Emma Thompson
Certificate: 12A

There's an unspoken rule in cinema, that as soon as two people narrowly miss each other (usually when getting in or out of a cab), they are destined to be soul mates. Not friends, or acquaintances; full-blown lovers. When these two people are played by Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson, it's clear they'll be getting off with each other very soon. By the time the taxi turns up, it's destiny.

Director: McG
Cast: Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Anton Yelchin, Bryce Dallas Howard
Certificate: 12A
Trailers/Clips

“Come with me if you want to live”, says an under-age resistance-wannabe to a complete stranger. It’s nice to know that, even as a teenager, Kyle Reese (Yelchin) was still using that pick-up line. But we can forgive him that: he is, after all, the father of John Connor (Bale). John Connor, the self-prophesied saviour of mankind in our apocalyptic rage against the machines. The man who, in 2018, is still yet to take up his post as leader of the human race. The gravel-voiced hero who loves shooting things. And sometimes sounds a bit like Batman.

Director: Renny Harlin
Cast: Michael Cena, Aidan Gillen, Ashley Scott 
Certificate: 12A
Trailer 

Poor old Danny Fisher (Cena). Not only has his wife been kidnapped by an escaped convict, but he's got to complete 12 Herculean tasks to get her back alive. If only he wasn't such a nice, honest guy. If only he hadn't chased down Miles Jackson (Gillen), inadvertently leading to the death of Miles' girlfriend. If only Miles wasn't so crazy and hellbent on revenge. If only Molly (Scott) was home safely, wrapped in Danny's butch arms. That's a lot of of 'if's for one man's head. Which would explain why he constantly looks confused, like a dazed rabbit in the headlights of a minibus filled with war veterans.

Director: Sam Raimi
Cast: Alison Lohman, Justin Long, Lorna Raver
Certificate: 15
Trailer 

What with all the web-slinging, people sometimes forget just who Sam Raimi is - or was. He directed, of course, the Evil Dead (and, indeed, Evil Dead II), genre-shaking low-budget messy movies, with a unique taste for humorous horror. But as Spiderman 3 lolloped its way into cinemas, even the die hard Raimites couldn't help but wonder: had he forgotten too? This is Raimi's resounding answer: hell, no.

Director: Jon Wright
Cast: Alex Pettyfer, Tuppence Middleton, Calvin Dean, Dimitri Leonidas
Certificate: 15

As anyone who's ever slipped on the TV remote and switched to Skins by accident knows, it's quite common to then sit there wishing death upon its annoying cast. Well, Tormented does just that: bump off every last short-skirted, pimple-popping one of them. Well, the nasty ones anyway.

Director: Shawn Levy
Cast: Ben Stiller, Amy Adams, Hank Azaria, Owen Wilson, Robin Williams, Steve Coogan
Certificate: PG
Trailer

Does bigger mean better? Money-wise, maybe, but what if we’re talking giant spiders with mandibles the size of a Vauxhall Zafira? Gigantic arachnids really aren’t better. Unless you’re an oversized wasp. The point is that Night at the Museum 2 is exactly that: bigger, but not better.