"There's a leak in the boat!"

Anybody who saw Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs will know exactly what to expect following that outburst* - but the resulting gag is brilliant nonetheless. Yes, judging by the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 trailer, Phil Lord and Chris Miller have left their sequel in very safe hands: those of Cody Cameron and Kris Pearn.

For a second helping of demon food, edible monsters and retina-melting colourful backdrops, read on for the full video - and the Cloudy 2 poster.

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Until today, I had never heard of the film The Conjuring. Now, having seen The Conjuring trailer, I can tell you the following three things about the film:

1. It's directed by James Wan, the guy who did Saw and Insidious.

2. It's out in the UK in July.

3. It scared the crap out of me.

Here's the full video:

Slept through the Oscars last night like a smart person and couldn't understand the garbled stream of live tweets that spewed out of my keyboard? Here's the full list of 2013 Oscar winners - including Ang Lee's surprise win for Best Director, Argo's wonderfully lovely win for Best Film (inspiring the sweetest speech of the night from Baffleck) and, of course, Jennifer Lawrence, who won Best Human Being on the Planet.

Take a random colloquial phrase, take it literally, turn it into a script and add a famous action star. Here's the trailer for Fire with Fire.

I can't wait to see Bruce WIllis go on The One Show for this.

Regular readers (all 12 of you) will be well aware of my general weariness of freebies and the apparent frenzy they inspire (see Pastry Gate). Perhaps one of the most expensive marketing moves for a DVD I've ever seen, though, unfolded last weekend, when my Twitter timeline was suddenly filled with photos of people drinking martinis on a new Skyfall-branded train.

Let's be clear. The train looks awesome. But not content with just wrapping the whole of an East Coast locomotive in Skyfall posters, Fox went the extra step and hired out the 11 carriages for a day, ferrying journalists up to Edinburgh and back while they interviewed Naomie Harris and writers Neil Purvis and Robert Wade. It prompted comments such as this:

And (shock, horror) I find myself in agreement with Mr. Blohm once again. But my main reaction - aside from weary disdain of the "throw free things at people to get publicity" tactic - is bewilderment. What on earth does this kind of thing cost?

So, after putting The Avengers' box office takings into everyday perspective, I attempted to do the same for Skyfall. Here's what I managed to work out on my lunch break in what I shall call Movie Maths Vol. 2:

Feeling glum? A little blue? All you need is the Love Is All You Need trailer. Seriously. The tale of two middle-aged loners (one of them Danish, the other one Pierce Brosnan) who bond during the wedding of their children, Susanne Bier's rom-com-drama sounds horribly cliched, but it's surprisingly heartwarming.

Don't believe me? Watch the trailer:

Right now, across the world, millions of people are still in shock at the sudden resignation of Pope Benedict XVI yesterday. But how do they choose a new Pope? A long, complex process that's normally carried out when the previous head of the Catholic Church is dead. In other words, who knows?

Luckily, cinema has researched the subject long and hard and tells us exactly what to expect...