If you hadn't already guessed from the drunken male whooping and loud, sadistic cheering, The Raid is out in UK cinemas tomorrow. And by heck, is it good, if only for learning all the really cool ways to kill people - Welsh director Gareth Evans knows loads.

The endless spree of gleeful gore is so spectacular that the first question I asked when I walked out of the blood-splattered cinema was: how many people died in The Raid: Redemption? And, more importantly, HOW did they die?

And so, when I saw the film for a second time at the Picturehouse Podcast's special birthday screening, I went prepared. I took a pen and paper and (in between crying out in pleasure) noted down every single kill in The Raid and attempted to categorise them by method of dispatch. Afterwards, I took my incomprehensible pile of scribbles and added The Raid's body count up - then, inspired by the glorious carnage, spent the rest of the evening trying to think of a really cool way to kill someone using a piece of A4 paper.

The result was this handy infographic. Read on to see The Raid: Redemption - an unofficial body count, with an emphasis on the unofficial. Because it's hard to count when you're distracted by awesome, non-stop violence.

(Warning: Spoilers - well, for those who don't want to know how to kill a man with a fridge.)

Day 3

Guess where I am? That's right! Still not in Cannes.

Day 2

Still not in Cannes. Which means I'm 842 miles (or 14 hours and 15 minutes by car - thanks, Google) away from this...

It's that time of year again. The time when folks in the UK who can't afford to go to France for two weeks suffer Cannes Envy.

Not me. I'm happy here being stuck in England in an East London office with sporadic sunshine, a croissant and a mug with cats on it. (Seriously, it's an awesome mug.)

But every now and then, bits of Cannes gossip gets across the Channel that even us mugged-up croissant chompers need to hear about. So here, to provide you with unrivalled, in-depth coverage of the film industry's biggest festival from someone who isn't even in the same country, is my 2012 Cannes Diary.

Day 1

Not in Cannes.

You know how it goes. You start writing about American Pie and Eugene Levy's eyebrows and suddenly they're all you can see. Everywhere you look, Eugene Levy's eyebrows are there, waggling up and down like two hairy torpedoes of sexy awesomeness.

The most disturbing thing? It kind of works. In fact, Eugene Levy's eyebrows are so brilliant that they instantly increase the awesomeness of any object they're attached to by at least 412%. If you don't believe me, read on for visual proof:

Long before I saw Silent House (out today in the UK), while hiding from the real world behind books and exams, I wrote an incredibly geeky thesis on the relationship between text and screen, which postulated that: given sentences on the page are the equivalent of takes on film, linguistic analysis of voice and narrative in a novel (and a script) could be related directly to the positioning of a camera in a cinema adaptation.

Because unlike literature, which can roam wherever the heck it wants, video cameras are physical and must be placed somewhere: films inherently have a perspective, which means that every shot is actively positioning the audience.

That’s why first-person POV is such an interesting choice, not to mention the more subtle decisions about the camera's proximity to the people on screen – the choice, for example, to only show scenes that contain a specific character.

But arguably the most curious technical decision a director can make is the long shot. Presenting something in a single, continuous take frees up the audience to track their own way through a scene - but it also restricts them to a set path of exploration, turning at a predetermined point, lingering on certain details.

Is it more immersive than a traditional montage sequence? When done well, it can be.

Which is what makes Silent House such an effective horror movie: ok, so like Alfred Hitchcock’s Rope it’s not really all done in a single shot, but by keeping the camera rolling and staying close to Elizabeth Olsen, our knowledge is as limited as hers. We don’t ever see a person coming up from behind her: to be more exact, we can’t. And in a world where we’re used to the chronological or causational relationship between consecutive shots, not being able to see something from a reverse angle makes things more terrifying.

The ending of Chris Kentis and Laura Lau’s movie, sadly, ruins the whole effect – because of the script, I should add, not because of the visual technique.

So to celebrate the technical achievement of Silent House’s 88 (purportedly) uncut minutes, here are some of cinema’s most effective long takes...

Marvel's amazing Avengers Assemble is out in UK cinemas today. And what better way to celebrate than with super-cupcakes?

Now, anyone who's spoken to me for more than 10 minutes is probably all-too-aware of my obsessive baking habits. From this James Bond birthday cake to the annual OscarNomnomnom Challenge, I love me some edible film goodness. So here you go: some freshly made Avengers cupcakes.

But rather than just post a picture and be all smug and fat about it (yes, I ate them all), I thought: why should I get to have all the fun? So read on for the full recipe and instructions to help you assemble your very own Avengers cupcakes. (Note: get an adult to help you with Arc Reactor part - or at least a robotic arm.)

Oh, and by all means send me pictures of yours if you think they're better (they probably are.) Bonus points if you come up a cupcake design for Black Widow that isn't just two massive balls of marzipan in a black icing jumpsuit. Mmmm.... Scarlett Johansson and marzipan...